How to Potty Train Your Toddler: In 47 Easy Steps

How-To-Potty-Train
After my daughter turned two, I started looking forward to potty training as only a FTM (First Time Mom) can. I was excited about the prospect of getting her out of diapers! I’ve learned a lot on the road to Potty Town. Here’s my foolproof guide to potty training in in just a few easy steps.

1. Buy potty
2. Convince child to sit on the potty
3. Act extremely excited when child accidentally pees while sitting on the potty
4. Decide child must be “ready”
5. Buy underwear
6. Put underwear on child
7. Watch underwear practically fall off child’s tiny butt
8. Research underwear for petite children
9. Buy 3 more kinds of underwear
10. Decide big underwear is fine and move on
11. Spend 3 weeks trying to convince child to sit on the potty again
12. Offer M&M’s and/or stickers in exchange for sitting on the potty
13. Offer LOTS of M&M’s and/or stickers in exchange for peeing on the potty
14. Put child in underwear
15. Set alarms to go off every 20 minutes
16. Give up after 5 attempts to convince child to sit on the potty
17. Clean up puddle of pee
18. Put child in clean underwear
19. Clean up puddle of pee
20. Put child in diaper
21. Promise yourself you’ll try again tomorrow
22. Eat chocolate and/or drink wine
23. Repeat steps 14-22 for what seems like eons
24. Cheer like crazy when child finally pees in the potty with minimal prompting
25. Prepare to attempt an outing in underwear
26. Send out a prayer as you buckle child into the car seat
27. Take your child to a public bathroom
28. Attempt to convince your child to sit on the potty
29. Ask your child to get off the floor
30. Explain why we don’t crawl into other stalls
31. Wish the stalls were sound proof and the other occupants of the bathroom didn’t have to hear you bargaining with your child
32. Calm down your hysterical child when the automatic flush and/or hand dryers scare them
33. Clean up pee in a public place
34. Eat chocolate and/or drink wine
35. Repeat steps 24-34 for, again, what seems like eons
36. Begin to feel confident about your child’s ability to wear underwear and pee on the potty
37. Pat yourself on the back…. your child is clearly potty trained
38. Clean poop out of your child’s underwear
39. Realize poop is a whole different ball game
40. Eat chocolate and/or drink wine
41. Watch child like a hawk, hoping to catch the “poop face” in time to convince child to sit on they potty
42. Cheer like crazy when child finally poops in the potty
43. Pat yourself on the back…. your child has successfully peed and pooped in the potty
44. Continue to clean up puddles of pee and clean poop out of underwear at random intervals
45. Eat chocolate and/or drink wine
46. After weeks without having to clean up poop or pee, at home or in public, pat yourself on the back…. your child is potty trained
47. Continue to carry extra underwear and clothes with you on every outing for the next 2 years…. just in case
We’re currently stuck at step 44/45, but I’m optimistic that we’ll make it…. someday. And if you ever hear us in a public bathroom, please try not to laugh too hard. I promise to return the favor!

____________________________
Megan Vosters
Megan is a SAHM to a mostly potty trained 2 year old and an 8 month old who believes that sleep is for the weak. Someday she hopes to have hobbies again, but right now her days are filled with nursing and naps.
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